"Take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A
scar means, I survived."Chris Cleave, Little Bee
How much of life have you survived so far?
Are any of the survival moments scars on your skin or on
your heart or do you wear them proudly as a tattoo, a story your body doesn't
hesitate to tell?
One night at dinner my son brought home a friend from
school. We had amazing food and amazing conversation and as it is when lots of
boys get together we got to talking about injuries and scars. The boy stood up
and said, "Oh have I got scars to show you." For the next 20 minutes
he proceeded to show us all of his scars, the ones that were allowable to show,
and we were all riveted to hear the stories and see the proof. He smiled
proudly through it all and he just as proudly knew that life wasn't finished
with him yet, that there would be a lot more scars to talk about as he got
older.
Listening to the boy's stories I couldn't help but think
what a busy, treacherous, boyish, adventurous life he had lived so far and I
thought these weren't scars he was showing us, these were proud tattoos of a
life well lived; he was only 13 years old.
"Tattoos are a right of passage. They're a marker of
bravery, of maturity, of cultural acceptance. The tattoo represents not only a
willingness to accept pain - to endure it - but a need to actively embrace it.
Because life is painful - beautiful but painful... " Nicola Barker, The
Yips
There are lessons we learn in school and there are lessons
we learn in life. I've come to believe that when those 2 distinct paths cross,
that is when we wear our story. When I become aware and present in my life
moments I am, in a way, choosing the tattoos I want to brand who I am and who I
want to be.
When something doesn't go the way I want it to it is in the
choices I make as to who I then become. When someone hurts me physically or
emotionally I can choose to become and remain a victim of the hurt or I can
grow from it and own it and wear it like a tattoo of honor or shame and either
way I can then create teachable moments to share along my life's journey. It's
hard though to step back in an emotional moment and realize that there is
always a choice to make.
A Scar that Purposefully Became a Tattoo
My daughter faced this very crossroads when the person she
considered her best friend did things that proved the girl wasn't a good friend
at all much less a best friend. It sent my daughter into a tail spin and for
quite a few years my daughter tried to manipulate her mind to stop fighting a
battle within herself to change the friend but rather to accept what was
happening. To make a very long story short, the choice she made in the end was
to find a way to accept the girl for who she was and to also accept herself for
who she was becoming. Not an easy thing to do at all but with lots of patience
and practice and self-love she has truly managed to step over to the other side
of the pain and wear her lessons learned like a tattoo on her heart. She feels
more empowered, more right minded and stronger within her heart than she has
ever felt. I see it in her eyes and I hear it in her voice in the way she
speaks. She believes what she is working through and how she is working through
it and there is a whole bunch of reasons to respect her process. But the
question is, how is she doing it? How is she accepting herself and the person
that turned out to be nothing like the friend she thought she had? Here are
some steps she took to get to where she is right now:
Seek help. The minute my daughter felt the disillusionment
of the friendship she talked with me about it. She also casually talked with
her other friends. She enlisted the people she felt most comfortable with and
asked their opinion, asked their advice, and asked if they had ever been
through something like this. She even confronted her friend in order to get a
better understanding of where this friendship had gotten so off the rails.
By being vulnerable to the pain she allowed light to
penetrate the cracks that were forming in her heart. The light acted like a
laser tattooing her heart with the tools she would need for wisdom and
compassion.
"When we feel weak, we drop our heads on the shoulders
of others. Don't get mad when someone does that. Be honored. For that person
trusted you enough to, even if subtly, ask you for help." Lori Goodwin
Listen. No matter what stories were being told to her she
had enough respect for herself to just listen to what was being said and not
said. She took a mental inventory of all the information and let it sit inside
her heart for however long it needed to so she could pick and choose the points
of information that fit her best.
"Most people do not listen with the intent to
understand; they listen with the intent to reply." Stephen R. Covey, The 7
Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change
Talk it out. There were 3 distinct times where my daughter
met with the "best friend" and tried to let her know how she was
feeling. It took a lot more than 3 times to get the friend to understand and to
this day the understanding is still not completely there but forgiveness has
taken root on both sides of the friendship and THAT means a positive change has
happened. The part that is most important is in the trying to keep
communication open and honest.
"When you give yourself permission to communicate what
matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or
disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative
energy of fear and regret." Shannon L. Alder
Take a step back. Step away from the situation long enough
to allow the silence and the physical space to work it's magic. Clarity has a
chance to surface when distance is allowed in. Constantly working on the pain
and the situation at hand can cause more pain and less clarity. Step back,
breathe, take a time out and let the dust settle a bit.
"In the space between chaos and shape there was another
chance." Jeanette Winterson, The World and Other Places: Stories
Know when to let go. As painful as it has been for my
daughter to admit, she had to get to a place in her heart where she realized it
was more painful to deny who she is right now in her own growth toward
adulthood than to compromise any more of who she has already become in order to
save the friendship. She had to let go of what she wanted the relationship to
be in order for the relationship to become what it was meant to become all
along. Sometimes we can only see what we want to see instead of what is really
right in front of us. Releasing control over the pain allows us to let go and
let each person be who they are right now.
"Distance sometimes lets you know who is worth keeping,
and who is worth letting go." Lana Del Rey
Find gratitude. What was my daughter most grateful for in
having this person as her friend in the first place? When she was able to truly
list from her heart all the reasons she liked having this person in her life
she was able to settle down the pain. People change; life changes us on the
inside and the outside. Her friend's life story isn't pretty and unless you
have walked in her shoes you cannot know the scars she wears and how deep they
cut. Those scars have a chance to become tattoos of pride when her friend is
ready to stop being a victim to the pain and the past. When my daughter came to
understand her own gratitude toward the friendship the friendship had a chance
at a new life and a new breath.
"Once you start recognizing the truth of your story,
finish the story. It happened but you're still here, you're still capable,
powerful, you're not your circumstance. It happened and you made it through.
You're still fully equipped with every single tool you need to fulfill your
purpose." Steve Maraboli
In the end, the two friends are trying to re-invent their
relationship and from my humble perspective it looks to be a beautiful tattoo
rather than an ugly scar.
Call to Action
What lessons are you learning, experiencing, creating, in
your life moments that will become a permanent part of who you are?
Will those lessons be a tattoo or a scar?
Journey On Coaching/Lisa Zaccagnini, Founder
http://www.journeyoncoaching.com
Your one stop shop for getting your personal growth on.
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